Mike Bullard Transcript
Thanks to the oh-so-fabulous mommalovesherethan, we have a transcript of Ethan’s appearance on the Mike Bullard show. Enjoy!
Mike Bullard Interview
Ethan comes out to applause, shakes Mike Bullard’s hand, and sits down.
MB: Ethan Zohn, ladies and gentlemen, how are you?
E: Good!
MB: I’ve got to tell you something, I’m not trying to…well, up until this afternoon, I gotta tell you, I had never seen the show.
E: Really
MB: No, and I only watched a few…
E: I watch your show, how come you don’t watch my show?
MB: Well I was one of the few North Americans, I think who has never turned on an episode of Survivor.
E: You’re better off that way.
MB: Yeah, well you know, I have nothing against it but I don’t know how it works. How does it work exactly, for those who don’t know?
E: Well basically, you know, you are dropped off in the desert with 16 other people you hate and you want to just vote them off.
MB: Alright, it sounds like Christmas dinner at my house…
E: (laughs) exactly.
MB: …but no big prize at the end. Now the one thing I have to ask you after watching it this afternoon…
E: Did you like it?
MB: Yes. People get voted off, they get voted off the first week, the second week, the third week. How the hell do they keep all of this quiet? Because the winner is obviously chosen well before it goes to air…
E: Well no, the winner is drawn live…
MB: Oh OK, the winner is drawn live…
E: …and they have a contract about this big…
MB: Right.
E: …not to tell anyone, so that’s how they keep it quiet.
MB: Oh, OK…
E: You don’t want to break that contract.
MB: Now you must have had reasons, some of which may have been altruistic for doing the show, some of them may have been because you wanted a million dollars and a Chevy Avalanche, I don’t know…
E: (laughs) Maybe.
MB: But what was the overriding reason you had for doing Survivor?
E: I applied as a joke, to tell you the truth, me and my friends were bored one day, kinda hanging out, and me and my buddy was like “what do you want to do today?”
MB: Yeah.
E: “I don’t know, lets apply to Survivor“, I went “great”, so we sent in the video and it happened to work out.
MB: Now, what would an audition tape for Survivor entail?
E: You’ve got to make a three-minute video on why you would be good on Survivor…
MB: Really!
E: …yeah (laughs) I think you’d be great on Survivor.
MB: I could only survive on Survivor for three minutes…
E: Sure, yeah (laughs)
MB: You know what I mean. The first time I saw a snake that would be it, I’d be on a helicopter. I don’t like anything that involves snakes, people call it a phobia, but let’s face facts, snakes can kill you, so who’s the idiot.
E: Yeah (laughs)
MB: Now I’m told Survivor Africa, was by far, the most gruelling of the four Survivors.
E: Yeah, I mean, they are all pretty tough, but our environment was pretty…you know where we got our water, we shared our water hole with elephants and lions and all that stuff, and you go down there…
MB: My wife and I only have one bathroom…
E: So you know what it’s like!
MB: I know exactly what it’s like.
E: When you walk into the bathroom…
MB: Nobody’s paying me you know…
E: …and there’s this overwhelming sense of smell there…
MB: Oh, hey I’m having a whole flashback, knock it off!
E: Would you like to be excused for a second?
MB: No, I’m all right.
E: So you go down there and there’s giant mounds of elephant dung…
MB: Yeah
E: …your wading through it to get your water, you know, it’s good, it’s nice.
MB: (laughs)
E: You like that huh?
MB: (still laughing) love it! Now is there footage that doesn’t make it to the air, because it’s far too graphic?
E: Well, what you guys didn’t see is once the cameras were off, there’s a huge buffet, water bags, all that stuff, you guys didn’t see any of that.
MB: (laughing) You know it’s funny you say that because that’s what I’ve always suspected.
E: Yeah, it’s true.
MB: I mean if anything happens to you, they must have a crack medical team, the crew’s gotta eat, the crew must get…
E: But they live off…
MB: Oh they live off in a resort.
E: We’re not allowed to talk to the crew, they can’t talk to us, we can’t talk to them.
MB: This is probably one of the only occasions in the world where the crew lives better than the stars?
E: Yes, I would think you are right.
MB: …and here…
E: (laughs) Really?
MB: Now the question I have always had was, did anyone…by the way the thing that cracked me up most of all was Tommy…
E: The big fat goat farmer…
MB: Yeah, he voted for you, but he spelled Ethan, E-A-T-H-E-N…
E: (laughs) yeah.
MB: That cracked me up…
E: You’re very observant…
MB: The guy’s been with you for 39 days and he doesn’t even know how to spell your damn name.
E: I don’t think he even knew my name to tell you the truth.
MB: (laughs)
E: He had to ask someone before he wrote it down.
MB: That to me was the funniest moment of the whole hour. Now did anyone have sex on the show?
E: Well Tom, was hanging out with the elephants for a while…
MB: All right…good!
E: I wasn’t really…you know, he’d disappear for a little while and he’d come back with a big smile on his face.
MB: I’ll tell you my problem would be, I would be having sex with everybody…
E: I’m telling you, you wouldn’t. I mean, you’re dirty…
MB: Not me, no I know what you mean.
E: Your whole body’s dirty…
MB: Have I lunged at you once, I wasn’t offended…
E: You’re good like that…but you’re dirty, you’re smelly, your teeth have little, like sweaters all over them, you smell and its just the last thing on your mind.
MB: Again, it sounds like morning sex to me.
E: (laughs) You would be great on this show.
Me: Yeah, yeah, now do you stay in touch with some of these folks?
E: Yeah, I mean I talk to this guy Lex, with all the tattoos…
MB: Yeah, he was a good guy.
E: He was a very good guy, but I stay in touch with a lot of people, it’s kind of a summer camp adventure, you know, so you kind of stay in contact.
MB: Now what did you do with the money, that’s the big question everybody has?
E: Well I bought my brother, both my brothers cars, I bought myself a little Thai-boy to do my laundry and stuff.
MB: Hey great, that’s good to know (laughs hard)
E: No, but I…
MB: You better straighten that one out, right now!
E: I’m sorry…That’s a joke everyone! Sorry, sorry…that’s what we call a joke in America…sarcasm
MB: Yeah, it would be nice if you said you bought a little Thai boy a car…
E: Well actually with a lot of the money, I started my own non-profit organization.
MB: That’s great.
E: It’s called Grassroots Soccer and what we do is we go to Zimbabwe, which is in Africa and we educate professional soccer players about HIV and AIDS and then in turn these professional soccer players will go into the schools and educate the youth about AIDS prevention.
MB: You see in North America, athletes spread AIDS, that’s very nice…
E: (laughs)
MB: That’s very nice what you are doing there.
E: Thanks
MB: Now who are your picks for Survivor Thailand, the new one?
E: Survivor Thailand, um, there’s this guy Brian, I think he’s doing pretty well, I think he’s going to take the cake.
MB: Really, well I guess you know
E: I don’t really know, anything could happen.
MB: What do you think it does take to win, what does it take to get through the nine people and be the top dog at the end.
E: Um, I mean personally, everyone has their own strategy, but what I thought worked best was kind of…the way I explain it is that it is like sports, everyone hates the head coach and everyone loves the assistant coach, and I was the assistant coach. Everyone came to me to complain about the head coach, they would come to me to complain about the other players, and I would just filter off that information and spit it off how I wanted to.
MB: Yeah
E: Manipulate…
MB: Yeah, it’s largely about manipulation I would think.
E: A little bit.
MB: Now would you do it again?
E: Would I do it again? Of course I would.
MB: Sure.
E: In a second
MB: 39 days, a million bucks and a Chevy Avalanche, yeah.
E: Not bad.
MB: Hell, I’d do anything for that kind of money. Really, like our previous guest, I’m a whore.
E: Are you? Really? That’s good to know. (shakes his hand)
MB: Nice to meet you
E: Nice to meet you too.
MB: Ethan Zohn, we’ll be right back with Wide Mouth Mason.